Accidentally in Love
by BigOniiChan
Summary: A pleasant afternoon was the last thing on Hikigaya's mind when Yumiko Miura showed up to his clubroom. Stuck by himself with Yukinoshita nowhere to be seen, Hikigaya must endure the harsh tongue of Sobu High's Fire Queen while somehow keeping his sanity intact. But when she shows up again afterwards as an unexpected guest, is there more to her than meets the eye? [HikioxMiura]
1. She Really Did Smell Like Lavender

When I'd arrived at the clubroom after school, I was surprised to see no one was there. I had seen Yuigahama still in the classroom earlier as I left, so she was probably on her way, but not seeing Yukinoshita already in the room before me was particularly bizarre.

Despite this—or maybe because of it—I sat on my usual chair at the far end of our clubroom's long wooden table and pulled a book out of my bag to pass the time. If they weren't here then I didn't have to put up with Yuigahama always nagging me around or listen to Yukinoshita remind me of how much of a failure I am. How refreshing. I couldn't remember the last time I've gone this long in this clubroom without someone making fun of me.

As I read my book a bit longer, I heard a sharp knock at the door. I'm still not really sure what the knock was for, because right after they decided to just walk in anyway without waiting for me to respond. But that was the least of my worries. Because in walked the one person I'd least expected to arrive.

"Yui~! Let's go shopping!"

It was Yumiko Miura.

"—Oh."

And she looked like I was the most disappointing thing she'd seen all day.

She gave me a weird look, as if wondering why I was in this room. Or, to put it another way, she was probably just wondering why it had to be me. She was expecting Yuigahama, who was her friend. She could've anticipated Yukinoshita, the one everyone knew as the most stuck-up girl at this school. But Hikigaya Hachiman…

Well, I had a reputation of my own. I was known as the strong and solitary type, the kind of person who you didn't want to mess with because you didn't know what they were capable of. I was quiet and mysterious. In other words, I had no friends. But my version of the story sounded cooler.

"Miura, did you need something?"

"Huh? I'm looking for Yui, obviously. What'd you think? I came here looking for you? Please, don't gross me out. Looking at your face is making me feel sick enough already."

"Er, right. She's probably still… in the classroom…"

I was starting to think coming to the clubroom today was a bad idea.

"Oi, Hikio. Where's the other one? Yukino Yukinoshita. Where is she?"

"I don't think she's coming. Probably has some family business to attend to."

"Oh. Really."

I couldn't tell if she was angry or relieved that the one person at this school to have ever humiliated her would not be present here today. She looked like she was a bit of both. If there was one thing Yumiko Miura couldn't stand more than a loser like me, it was a loser who didn't know their place. And Yukino Yukinoshita, as a fellow friendless loser, but who was smarter and prettier than all the other girls at this school, certainly did not seem to know her place.

To my surprise, she then stepped into the room. To my complete and utter bewilderment, she then proceeded to walk over to my table, pull out a chair, and sit right in front of the corner of the table I'd been leaning on. In other words, she'd sat right next to me. Too close. Too close! Why'd you have to sit so close?! This table spans the entire classroom, you know! Also, she smelled like lavender, and it was really nice. But still, too close. Don't sit that close to me or I'll get the wrong idea.

"Hey, Miura…?!"

"Huh? The hell are you looking at? I'm waiting for Yui, you numbskull. Stop bothering me."

"Oh… oh. I see…"

Just kidding. Yumiko Miura hated my existence, and thought I was worth somewhere between a kitchen stain and a small insect. There was never any wrong idea to get.

This was Yumiko Miura—the Fire Queen of Sobu High—we were talking about here. I've heard stories of students who've made her mad who'd never been heard from again. Well, I hadn't actually heard that from anyone, because I didn't have any friends to hear it from, but it felt like it was true. Just look at those eyes. They could kill you if you stared too long at them.

As I peered into Miura's eyes trying to find traces of murderous intent, I'd noticed she was now staring right back at me. Which meant she'd caught me looking at her when I wasn't supposed to be. Which meant I was screwed. She had a face that said that was the most disgusting thing she'd seen all day.

"Hikio."

"Y-Yes?!"

Damn it, even her voice was cute. Although it would be a lot cuter if she wasn't using it to verbally abuse me all the time.

"Why're you looking at me?"

Okay, she noticed. Stay calm. I can still talk myself out of this.

"Uh, um, I, uh…"

"I'm sitting here patiently waiting for Yui to arrive, and you just start staring at me like a complete weirdo. Did I say something to you? Did I ask you to look at me? Did I tell you to stare at me this whole time like a creep?"

Nope, can't talk myself out of this. I was right. Coming to the clubroom today was definitely a bad idea.

"…No, you didn't. You didn't say anything like that."

"God, you are _so _weird! Do you even know how weird you are? This just reminds me of that thing you always do in class. You know, that one. The one where you make that face and go all _heh-heh-heh-heh_. It's so loud. And so creepy! You always do it when you're reading and some of us notice when we're sitting close by. We're always _so _creeped out when we hear it. Do you know the two girls who used to always sit behind you during lunch? Do you know why they don't sit there anymore? Why they moved to the window? That's why. Because of that thing you do. Just looking at you for this long is already starting to give me the creeps again."

And here I thought those two had moved because they wanted to be closer to the breeze. It turns out they'd just moved because I was a freak. Way to go, me.

"Hey, Hikio. Do you like me? Is that it? Is that why you were staring at me? Because if so, that is _so _gross. Wait—Hikio, you… huh?! _No way_! Oh my God! That look on your face! I knew it. You like me, don't you?! Now you're going all red! A weirdo like you likes someone like me! Oh my God, that's so gross!"

I… well, I didn't mind her, I suppose. Maybe in more ways than one. But she wasn't supposed to know that. That was meant to be a closely guarded secret. And I had just let it slip, right in front of the person it concerned the most. They say true friends never reveal secrets, but I'd just revealed my own secret to someone without anyone here to help me. Some friend of mine I am. Now that it had come to this, there was only one logical course of action. I just had to die. Please, kill me. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but, if there is a God, smite me now. As much as she didn't want anything to do with me, Miura was almost certainly never going to live this one down.

My crushing humiliation was soon to be interrupted by a new visitor. Yuigahama slid the door open and burst into the room in her usual energetic fashion, finally giving Miura a reason to end her reign of terror before she'd completely sealed my fate.

"Yahallo! Sorry I'm late, Hiratsuka-sensei was _so _annoying, you know. Like, just because I got a zero on my math test doesn't mean you need to lecture me about it! I mean, big deal, I get zeroes all the time! And then she was all like, "Yuigahama, this is your last chance. If you continue at the level you're at now you could risk having to repeat the whole year." Talk about gloomy! Like, no way, of course that's not gonna happen. Not when I have you two here to help me! Right, guys? Wait, huh?! Yumiko? What're you doing here? And Hikki, why're you sitting so close to her?!"

Wait, this was my fault now?! Yuigahama, I think you've got something wrong. While we waited for you to arrive, I had to sit here and have Miura painfully remind me of all the reasons no one talks to me in class. _I'm _the victim here. Also, I'm worried for your future. It looks seriously bleak.

"Yui! You really kept me waiting, you know? Let's go pick out that swimsuit! I know some good stores in the city."

"Oh? Oh… ooh, oh! R-Right, swimsuits, yeah, haha…"

Your social skills are supposed to be your strong suit, Yuigahama. Just how empty-headed can you get?!

"Let's go, Yumiko. Sorry, Hikki, we've got a pool party next week and Yumiko wanted to buy a new swimsuit, so she asked me to help out. So I can't come to club today. Tell Yukinon I'm, um, sorry, too."

A pool party? Swimsuits? I was tempted to say something like "Then how about I come along and help, ladies?" but I knew that if I said that I may never have been able to set foot in society again.

As Miura got up to join Yuigahama and leave, she turned around to address me one more time.

"You know, Hikio, I misjudged you. You're funnier than I thought you'd be. I've never seen someone look so embarrassed about the weird things they do in class. And that look on your face when I said you liked me—oh my God, you were so red! Just so you know, I already have someone on my mind, so don't start getting any ideas. I mean, just look at you. It's not like there'd be anything to get! Ha! Anyway, you're seriously creepy, and I don't want people to think we're associated with each other, so don't talk to me again. Bye!"

"Um, b-bye, Hikki…"

And with that, they were gone.

Well, if Yuigahama wasn't going to stay, there was no point in me staying here either. I put my book back into my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and quietly left the room. The clock read 5:15 as I opened the door, which meant I still had about 45 minutes until my parents would be back home to make dinner. I guess I was going to head home and watch some TV.

Of all the times I'd decided to stay behind when Yukinoshita wasn't there, today was certainly the most eventful. Usually when that happened it would just be me and Yuigahama. I would read my book and she would clack away at her phone. We wouldn't say much. It was much more peaceful than when Yukinoshita was there, as Yuigahama would always try to find a reason to talk to her.

But today was different. Today had not been peaceful. Yumiko Miura may well be my complete opposite at this school. If soulmates existed, then she would surely be my soulenemy. And today, my soulenemy had sat next to me and reminded me of all the reasons I hated talking to her. And by that I mean it was just me being reminded of why no one liked me and how people like her rose to the top because society was inherently unfair. Once again I had proven that it was society that was wrong, and that I was still owed a great deal of compensation for all the times I was made fun of in middle school. A broken bone could last a few months. Hikigaya-germs could last forever.

As I walked along the empty concrete streets to my house, I thought about whether my life would be any different if I were more popular. I would actually have friends, for one thing. I would have people to talk to in class. I might've even been invited to that pool party they were talking about.

But if that meant I had to hang around someone like Yumiko Miura, then I would have to respectfully decline. There was no way I could be friends with someone like that, who so easily looked down on those who they thought were beneath them. Yukinoshita and Yuigahama may not have been my friends, but at least they didn't insult me the first chance they got.

Well, actually, Yukinoshita did exactly that. But at least she didn't have any friends either.

As I reached the front door of my house I realised the time for my bitter monologuing was over. My parents were about to get home soon. So, to finish off the day, I will end it by saying something I wish I'd said earlier:

_To Yumiko Miura,_

I didn't want to talk to you anyway, idiot.


	2. Afterschool Trouble

A week passed, and I'd found myself heading back to the clubroom as usual. Yukinoshita was still nowhere to be seen. I knew Yuigahama would be absent too, mostly because she now had extra supplementary lessons to sit through. She'd made sure I was fully aware of it by getting mad at me for some reason once she'd found out from our teacher. She was all "But I don't wanna!" and "Hikki, you were supposed to help me!" and "I hate you! Stupid! Stupid!" and proceeded to hit me while we were still in class. I didn't mind the clobbering, but it almost made me feel sorry for her now that she had to stay behind for an extra hour every day to do math problems with our teacher and she couldn't leave until she got them all right.

Except that didn't stop her from hitting me. So, almost.

But without either of them here, the clubroom was the most peaceful it had ever been. There was no one to bother me. No one to make requests. No one to tell me that I should go die. For the first time since I was forced to join this club, I was in bliss.

Yet somehow, there was still one problem.

As I slid the clubroom door open I found myself staring at yet another bizarre sight. Yukinoshita wasn't there, nor was Yuigahama, but someone else still was. Someone else who wasn't even a member, and the one person I'd least expected to be here—again.

Yumiko Miura was sitting in my clubroom.

And she looked like she was about to pummel me.

"Hikio. You're late. Sit down."

"R-Right."

I didn't even wonder why she was apparently sitting in my clubroom waiting for me, or why she'd be disappointed I didn't get here on time. All I could think about was how her presence was so intimidating I'd instinctively designated her as my superior. I felt a force that told me to get on one knee and swear fealty to her as my queen.

As I pulled out a chair and sat down, Miura gave me a threatening look. She was the one who'd told me to sit down, and now she was eyeing me as if wondering if it was even worth calling me over.

"So, Hikio. Do you know why I'm here? Why I'm sitting in this stupid clubroom of yours? Take a guess."

She'd called me over just to make me guess why she was here. She wasn't just a queen. She was a full-blown tyrant. She was going to rule me and this clubroom with an iron first.

"You're… waiting for Yuigahama?"

"Wrong. You know, if I had to do that, I wouldn't be forcing myself to sit here again next to a mouth-breather like you. I was only waiting here last time because she told me she'd be here once school was over. Oh, and by the way, that was one strike."

"Huh? That was a strike? Is this some kind of game?"

"Yes, it's a game. Three strikes and you're out. And by 'out' I mean I'm going to pummel you."

"I didn't sign up for this kind of death game!"

"Well, that's too bad. Because now you're going to play it. Also, that's another strike. You're wasting my time."

"Wait, no! That's not fair! I didn't even answer the question yet!"

"My game, my rules. Now hurry up, unless you want me to make that face of yours even more deformed than it already is."

This was totally unfair. I didn't even agree to this, and I was already at risk of getting beaten up. Just how much more sadistic could she get?!

"You… wanted to see Yukinoshita?"

"Wrong."

"You wanted to see me?!"

"Ew. Wrong. Don't make me puke."

"You have a… request…?"

"Oh. Correct. But that was four strikes, so I'm still going to pummel you."

I didn't know how I'd gotten myself into this mess, but I did know I just barely had enough time left to say my prayers. I'd like to believe in reincarnation. If I could be reborn, I would like to be a tree. At least then I wouldn't have to put up with members of my own race trying to murder me all the time. On the plus side, Miura still smelled like lavender, so at least I'm was going to smell nice on my funeral.

"But, you know, Hikio, I still need you to do something, and you can't do it for me if you're beaten up to a pulp, so I'll let this one slide for now. But don't worry. I can always just beat you up later."

Why was it a given that I was getting beaten up?! Also, she'd said that as if I'd already agreed to help her. No way. The Service Club was here to help people, but we didn't have to help everyone. Especially someone like Miura. She can go die in a fire. Seriously.

"You said you liked me, didn't you?"

"I… I don't remember saying that…"

"That's disgusting."

It was true, I really didn't say it. I only showed it. I only showed it, and it wasn't even obvious. And she humiliated me for it. This was why I never showed anyone anything, ever since the first time someone found out who I liked in middle school. She was so freaked out, she stopped coming to school for a whole week. Rumour had it she was still protecting herself from Hikigaya-germs even to this day.

"That's disgusting, and you're disgusting. Now, if you don't want the whole school finding out that a loser like you tried to ask out someone like me, you're going to do what I say. Understand?"

"Hey, I didn't do that! You just made that up!"

"Yeah, and who are people going to believe? You, the biggest loser in our class, or me?"

She had a point. If Miura said I liked to eat my boogers people would probably believe it. She had the whole school on her side. I, on the other hand, just had me. Even the other members of the Service Club wouldn't believe me. If anything, Yukinoshita knowing me for as long as she has seemed to make her like me even less.

"Ugh, just shut up and follow me. I need you to do something. I can't do it myself because… because I just can't, okay?! It's… embarrassing… so I need someone to do it for me. Anyway, that's not important! Hurry up and get moving! And stop asking questions!"

I quietly followed Miura out of the clubroom and down to the ground floor below. I hadn't even asked anything. She never gave me the chance. I didn't know what all of this was about, but all of a sudden I'd been dragged out to the front of the school to the bike rack storage area outside. Once we were there, she took a small pouch out of her bag and handed it to me. It was pink with white polka dots, tied together on one end with a dainty red ribbon. It looked cute, but felt hard and lumpy, as if she'd just given me a bag full of rocks. If I threw it at someone I could've probably caused a serious head injury. Considering how heavy it was, the whole rocks idea really wasn't out of the question.

"Look, Hikio, your task is simple. Someone's going to walk out from the soccer field soon. And when they do, I need you to give this to him. That's all you have to do. See? Simple. You know, it's so simple, I'm sure even a monkey could do it. God, if we had any monkeys here, I _would _get them to do it. But we don't, so now I'm stuck with you and your creepy face instead. Now, go. Don't tell him it's from me. And don't even _think _about trying to open it yourself, or you'll be in for a lot more than just a pummelling. Got it? Quick, he's already here! Hurry up!"

I let out an audible _gulp_ and began my walk towards the mystery man. As I did so, I started wondering how Yuigahama was doing in her lesson. Maybe I should join her next time. Or, better yet, maybe I should never come back to the clubroom again. I had to avoid Miura at all costs. This woman was seriously scary.

The man was young and tall, with thick blond hair that went down to frame the side of his face. He was wearing a smile that made him so approachable he looked like he could even be friends with me. It helped that he was also ridiculously handsome. Seriously, what the hell? How were people allowed to be born with such good looks? They were so good that, the more you looked at him, the more you started to feel bad about your own. It made me want to file a complaint. Who was responsible for such unfair allocation of genetics?!

Smiling back at me now while still in his gym uniform was none other than Hayato Hayama. He was apparently still sweating from his soccer practice as he looked like he was drenched from head to toe. Except it didn't look like sweat. It looked like the result of his intense practice, of him training hard and surely giving it his all. When I was sweating, it looked like I was just running out of energy, and that I very much needed to get in better shape. When Hayama was sweating, it looked like proof that he was alive.

"Hey, Hikitani-kun! Fancy seeing you here. I was just finishing up on soccer practice. Heading home?"

I'd barely talked to him since I started high school, and he just gave me the friendliest greeting anyone's ever given me this year. Looking at him now, he welcomed me with open arms, and had a smile on his face that said we'd been best friends for years. Best friends for years, and he still couldn't remember my name.

"Er, yeah. But before that, I'd like to… give you this…? I mean, it's not mine, though…"

I held the pouch in front of me and stood there awkwardly, wondering if he was even going to accept it.

"You're… giving this to me? Thank you, Hikitani-kun! I knew you were a good guy. You know, we should really hang out sometime. I think we'd be great friends."

"No, thanks. I'd rather you die in a fire. I-I mean, I think I'll pass, because I'm sure you're really busy. And, like I said, it's not mine…"

Before I could actually hand it over to him, we were interrupted by an unexpected face. Yuigahama had apparently just finished her lessons, as she was now walking out of the school towards us. She almost looked a little upset.

"Hikki, you idiot! What're you standing out here for?! You were supposed to wait in the clubroom for me! I thought something might've happened, so I looked everywhere for you, but no! Here you are, just going home without me! That's so mean! You're a meanie, Hikki. And a loser. And a creep! You're a meanie loser creep! I don't want to see your face again, you… you… Hikki!"

Okay, she looked a lot upset. But none of this was still my fault. I was forced into this! I wasn't even planning on going home yet! I was blackmailed by Miura, who was… well, she was nowhere to be seen. So I guess she really only did have me to blame.

"What're you doing over there, anyway? Why're you with Hayato? I mean, you're the loneliest guy in our class, you know. No one even knows you exist. Why're you talking to him all of a sudden? Are you two friends now? No way, that's, like, not possible, right? I mean, you've been in our class for so long and people still don't know who you are. Like, you're so lonely at this point I was starting to think no one wanted to be your friend! Wait, no, I mean—I didn't mean it that way! I'm your friend, Hikki! But I'm mad at you right now so, like, maybe I'm not? I-I don't know…"

Do you hate me or not? Make up your mind, Yuigahama!

"And, like, what is that? Hikki, that thing you're holding. Is that a present? Are you giving him a present? Wait, huh?! No way! Does that mean… Hikki, are you and Hayato going out?!"

"What? No! No, we're not! Yuigahama, you've got it all wrong! How did you even come to that conclusion?!"

I could feel my face flushing red, the realisation finally dawning on me that this situation could be mistaken in more ways than one. This was all Miura's fault. What had she just set me up to do? Also, Yuigahama, please be more careful with your words next time. If you say anything else embarrassing about me in front of other people you might just make me inadvertently kill myself.

"I mean—I mean, I'm happy for you, Hikki, but this is just so sudden… I-I really had no idea! But, um, if you two are happy then I'll support you, okay? I'm on your side, Hikki!"

She wasn't even listening to me anymore. I didn't know how I'd gotten myself into this mess, and I certainly didn't know how I was getting out. I looked over to Hayama for reassurance. He looked back at me and gave me a knowing smile.

"Don't worry, Hikitani-kun. If you need me, then I'll always be by your side."

Go die in a fire, Hayama! Seriously!

By now Yuigahama had turned beet red, and was probably very embarrassed that she had interrupted something important. I wanted to assure her that she hadn't, but it looked like even the person on the other end of this was starting to believe it too. With that in mind, I decided it was best to just hand over the present and call it a day. If this was what I had to do to get Miura off my back, then I was going to finish this, misunderstandings be damned.

"Here, take it. It's not from me. Someone told me to give it to you. They told me not to tell you who they were, but they really seemed to want you to have it. Anyway, just hurry up and take it. Please. I don't want Yuigahama getting any more ideas."

Hayama took the pouch and opened it up, revealing a large set of chocolates inside. Well, I thought they were chocolates, but they honestly looked more like lumps of coal. They were big, uneven, and charred so bad you could smell it. I think they would've been more useful if they really were lumps of coal, as there were probably enough pieces to fuel a small household for a night or two.

I looked disgusted, but Hayama looked overjoyed. He seemed to cherish the fact that someone had given him anything, regardless of how worthless it seemed to be. Looking at it that way, it made total sense that he'd be nice to me, figuring that despite my loner-ness I was probably an interesting guy on the inside. I, on the other hand, was just hoping he'd choke on those chocolates and die.

"They look great! Thanks for the present. Whoever it was who made these, I hope you thank them for me, and tell them I really appreciate it. Anyway, it's getting late, so I'll see you in class tomorrow, okay? Bye, Hikitani-kun! Bye, Yui!"

Hayama gave us a final wave goodbye before turning around to leave. Finally, it was over, and it was time to find Miura. I was ready to never have to deal with her again.

"H-Hikki, aren't you going home?"

"No, not yet. I still have some business to take care of."

"Oh, um, okay. I guess—I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then. Oh, and, um, I'm sorry for that earlier. I really… I really misunderstood that, huh? M-My bad…"

"Yeah, you did. That was all your fault. Don't go jumping to conclusions so easily next time."

"Hey, can't you be more nice about it? I said I was sorry! You idiot!"

She walked over and punched me on the arm. Then she punched me again. And again. And again.

"Stupid Hikki! You're so mean! That one's for not waiting for me in the clubroom! And that one's for not being nice just then! And that one's for being such a creep! And a loser! You big creepy loser! You big meanie loser creep!"

"Look, I'll leave with you tomorrow, okay? I had something to take care of today. I'm sorry I couldn't wait for you in the clubroom."

Well, it was more like I didn't have much of a choice. If I didn't help her, I was at risk of Miura letting the whole school know one of my darkest secrets. Either that, or she was going to pummel me. It was honestly scary either way.

"Oh. Then I guess… that's… fine. But that's a promise, okay? You're absolutely going to wait in the clubroom for me tomorrow, okay? Don't start walking home without me or I'll hit you again, okay?!"

"Yes, yes, okay. Just, please, don't hit me. I've already had too many attempts on my life today to count."

She gave me a questioning look, but soon changed her mind and walked away cheerfully, as if deciding existential threats to my being were not worth her time. After saying goodbye to me with a wave, she turned around and started walking straight out of the school grounds. I figured Miura was nowhere to be seen, and I didn't want to stay around at school any longer, so I thought it wouldn't be too bad if I joined Yuigahama on her walk home. But it only took me a few steps to realise this was a very bad idea.

"Hikio."

Uh oh.

"Where do you think you're going?"

I turned around only to be met with a very angry Miura marching straight towards me.

She walked up and grabbed me by the collar before pressing her face right up against mine. On one hand, I'd never been this close to Miura before. I'd never been this close to _any _girl before, for that matter. Looking at her from this distance, I could confidently say she really was very pretty. She had the kind of looks that not only rivalled Yukinoshita's, but also beat out pretty much every other girl at this school. Her ringlet hair curls fit her even better when you saw her up close, and they oozed a level of fashionability you rarely saw in high school girls her age. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd even done some kind of modelling at some point. No wonder she was so popular. On the other hand, I figured this was the last chance I was going to get to admire her from this distance, because I was probably going to die.

"What do you think you're doing, trying to go home already? What did I tell you to do when you were done? What did I tell you, Hikio? Huh?"

"Uh—"

"I told you to report back to me. And do you know what you did? You tried to go home. You tried to disobey me, Hikio. You tried to disobey me, as if you were looking for a beating. Is that what you want? You want me to beat you? Because I'll gladly give it to you. Looking at your disgusting face right now, I'm starting to feel like doing it anyway."

"No! No, definitely not!"

"And what the hell was that whole deal with Hayato supposed to be? Just give him the chocolates and leave. Why'd you have to take so long? Were you trying to confess to him? Are you in love with him or something? They weren't _your _chocolates. They were mine. Who said you could use them to ask him out yourself? I didn't make those chocolates for him to take them from _you_."

"That's… that's kind of what you did, though…"

"You shut your mouth, Hikio, before I make sure you never open it again. Now, hurry up and tell me. How did it go? Did he like them or not? Knowing you, you probably poisoned them as soon as you touched the bag. I don't want to think about how Hayato's eating those chocolates from the same bag you touched with those filthy hands of yours. Ugh, I shouldn't have let you do this in the first place."

Then don't! Give him the chocolates yourself! Why did you have to threaten my life to do something so simple?!

"It was fine, Miura. He said he liked them. And he told me to thank you, he really appreciates it. Can you let go of me now?"

"He… he liked them? Well, that's… good… like, I thought, no way…"

She released my collar and started mumbling to herself. Soon, she was starting to blush. For the first time since she'd met me, she finally looked happy while I was around. Of course, she wasn't happy about me. She still hated my guts. But it was an interesting change of pace to see her do something besides yell at me all the time, even if it was only going to last until she came back to her senses and remembered I was still here. It would almost be cute if she wasn't trying to prematurely terminate my life just then.

"Hello? Miura?"

"Oh. You're still here. Just go home, Hikio. I'll pummel you tomorrow."

"Wait, no! That wasn't part of the deal!"

"Shut up. From now on, you'll do as I say. You're going to help me get closer with Hayato, or I'll make your life a living hell. Understand?"

As if seemingly taking my agreement for granted, or just not caring what I was going to say, Miura proceeded to walk off and out of the school grounds without even waiting for me to respond. Honestly, standing there alone in front of the school, I started to think I was wrong about Miura. She wasn't just the type to insult me the first chance she got. She was the type to insult me, then beat me up for no reason, then kick me while I was still down. The more I thought about her status at this school, the more I realised Miura may really well be a modern-day tyrant. And now, that tyrant had basically ordered me to be her slave. If she were an actual ruler, I'd say she'd already committed several human rights violations by now.

On that note, I figured it was time to head home. Today had been another long day, somehow even longer than the last time she'd paid me a visit to my clubroom. And by "paid me a visit" I mean humiliate me to the point of serious mental trauma. I thought I'd buried my embarrassing past mistakes in the deep recesses of my mind, but it took her no effort in digging them right back up. The only reason I didn't care about them before was because I never realised how creepy they were. But after I found out what those two girls thought of me during Miura's visit last week, I'd sworn on my life that even a source of mild embarrassment like laughing in class was something I was never going to risk again.

To be honest, I didn't know what to make of the whole ordeal. Miura threatening my life, dragging me out to give Hayama her chocolates, turning me into her slave, threatening my life again—this may well be the most eventful my life had been ever since I was forced into that stupid club of mine, whether I liked it or not. Before, my afternoon club time seemed to revolve around one thing: sitting in the clubroom and being insulted by Yukinoshita. Now, it was going to revolve around something else: sitting in the clubroom and being insulted by Miura. Between the two of them, I couldn't tell who was worse. Yukinoshita at least put in the effort to convince you of why you were a failure. Miura just tells you you belong in the bin.

Either way, my mind was racing with questions. If I hadn't stayed behind in the clubroom last week, could I have stopped myself from becoming Miura's errand-slave? Why did Yuigahama have to show up at such an inopportune time? And was Miura a better person than I thought, who revealed a different side to her today that others usually never got to see? At the time I didn't know what any of this would entail, or whether I would even end up making it out alive. But one thing was for sure:

No. Miura was evil, plain and simple. She can go die in a fire, just like everybody else.


	3. Hikigaya Hachiman, Portable Clothes Rack

The next day was Saturday, which usually meant I had the day off. It had been a long, unpleasant week, and today was finally the day for me to relax and not have to follow someone around so I could listen to them denounce my existence every few seconds. I was lying on the living room couch since the moment I woke up that morning. There was something playing on the TV, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was too engrossed in how nice it felt to finally be by myself for a while. My parents were already out for work, and Komachi had left early to go see her friends that she was going to study with, so I really was finally alone with no one to disturb me. I knew this because Komachi had written a note for me that I found on the kitchen table in front of a recently finished plate of food. She'd also written that she was in a hurry so she ate the breakfast my parents had prepared for me this morning. Screw you, Komachi.

Usually on off-days like this I liked to reward myself for having to put up with an entire week of other people. And what I really meant by other people was Yumiko Miura. It was seriously impossible for me to get away from that woman. She'd call me randomly throughout each day to do menial tasks like carrying her stuff for her or giving her my math homework—tasks that I didn't quite understand how they would be relevant to making Hayama fall in love with her. Tasks that I _still _didn't understand how they were relevant even now, actually.

But that wasn't important. On this day in particular, the reward for myself I'd settled on was imagining what it'd be like to take a public bath with Totsuka. It'd been a recurring fantasy of mine for a while now. It starts off with Totsuka maybe being embarrassed at first, but once we've slipped in and he realises how nice the water is, he'll lower his guard. We'll both get to relax, but only for a little while, as I'll slowly edge towards him the whole time while he's too focused on how good the bath feels. By the time he realises what I'm doing I'll have already sneaked up close enough for me to figure out if he was hiding how he's really been a girl all this time. And then he'll be _super _embarrassed, and he'll try to cover himself—but it'll be too late. By then I would've had plenty of time to slowly wrap my arm around him, pull him closer, and make him realise he's found his face suddenly pressed up against mine. At first he'll be surprised, and he'll look away, but then he'll slowly look back at me in the corner of his eye, wondering if this was real, wondering if I was just teasing him, and wondering how much of this was maybe something else. Something _more_. And then I'll gently hold his chin with my fingers, I'll turn him back to look straight into my eyes, and then I'll pull him in, and then… and then…!

BZZZ. BZZZ. BZZZ. BZZZ.

Just when I was about to unravel one of the great mysteries of the universe, my phone rang. Someone was calling me. Someone was calling me, and I didn't even know how, because I'd never given my number to anyone. Except my teacher, I guess. But it was a Saturday, and surely she wouldn't be _that _lonely. And also that girl in middle school who was transferring out in the middle of the year, who got everyone's numbers as a way of keeping in touch once she'd left. My whole class was talking about how it was so nice of her to keep in touch with everyone over summer break even after she was gone. Turns out she really did want to keep in touch with everyone. Everyone, apparently, except me.

I picked up the phone and answered it, hoping that Hiratsuka-sensei's loneliness was really just an act and she wasn't actually calling me because she didn't have any other friends to talk to. Using your student like that feels like it should be illegal. Or it should at least make you self-conscious for being very weird. Yet thinking about it now, it was somehow still exactly the kind of thing a particular unmarried woman in her thirties would do.

And with that, it seemed my peaceful day off would come to an end. Because there did happen to be one more person I'd given my number to. One person who I'd dreaded a call from the most. One person who I was unfortunately about to hear from now, because on the other end of that phone—

"Hikio. What do you think you're doing?"

—was none other than my biggest enemy, Yumiko Miura.

"I don't know, Miura. What were you thinking I was doing?"

"Nothing. And that's the problem. We had an agreement, didn't we?"

"We… did?"

"Yes, obviously. The one where you said you'll help me get closer with Hayato. That's why you gave me your number, so I could call you whenever I needed you to do something."

"Miura, I gave you my number because you were threatening to break my phone if I didn't. And that agreement was totally void because _I never agreed_ _to it in the first place_. You never gave me the chance to say anything."

"Well, duh. If I let you have a say you would've just said you weren't going to do it. Why would I want to do that?"

"There were so many things wrong with that sentence I don't even know where to begin."

"Anyway, if you still value what little social standing you have at this school and don't want me to run it into the ground completely, meet me in front of the mall in twenty minutes. And don't be late, or I'll kill you."

BEEP.

* * *

And that's the story of how I ended up in front of the mall that day on a hot Saturday morning.

It was a bright, sunny day, and the city was full of people going about their business as usual. I'd arrived on time as promised, but it seemed Miura wasn't holding herself to the same standard of not being late as she did for me. If I could, I would've ditched her here and there to go home and let someone with as many friends as her know what it feels like to wait for someone who was never planning to arrive. And if it were anyone else, I absolutely would've done it without any hesitation. But not her. Because if I did something like that, she really was going to murder me the next time she saw me in person. In fact, murder probably wasn't even at the top of the list of things Miura could do to you if you got on her bad side. This woman was unbelievably scary.

I was waiting for her in the entranceway outside the mall with a large fountain in the middle. I stood next to the signpost on the left side with a map of the area, away from the busy crowds entering and exiting the mall in front of me. The mall was a popular student weekend destination, so I watched along as high school students headed in and out of the mall with their friends, chatting about things like what they were going to buy or where they were going to eat. There were plenty of student couples walking around too. They were holding hands with smiles on their faces, as if this was their way of rewarding themselves after a long and stressful week of school.

In other words, I hated it. I didn't need friends, but just because I didn't have any didn't mean you could walk around showing off how fun and fulfilling your lives are like that. Those high school friend groups can burn in hell. And the couples. _Especially _the couples.

My thoughts were cut short when I spotted Miura approaching me from the side. She was wearing a white one piece dress with a wide brim hat and carried a small chain handbag over her shoulder that dangled a little as she walked. She looked upset as usual, but I figured that was mostly because she found herself in a scenario where she had to look at me again for some reason.

"Hikio. You came."

"Between being humiliated, being killed, and being killed but later, I'm not sure you gave me much of a choice."

"I... didn't think you would come."

"You… huh? What're you talking about? You're the one who told me to come here."

"Yeah, I did. I know. But, it's just..."

By now I'd noticed how she almost looked a little upset, but it wasn't her usual kind of upset. This upset was more like the kind of upset you'd be when you found out the most popular kid in your class had invited every other student in your classroom to their birthday party except you. In other words, my kind of upset. And while my kind of upset was the kind of upset I'd experienced almost every day in my classroom in middle school, this wasn't the kind of upset that made sense on someone like Yumiko Miura. It didn't make sense on someone who wasn't a loner, who wasn't picked on, whose classmates didn't call them unflattering nicknames, and who wasn't awkwardly walked away from by every member of the opposite sex they'd tried to talk to before even having had a chance to speak.

Not that I knew from experience, of course. Hikigaya Hachiman only speaks in hypotheticals. Hypotheticals that I came up with because I drew them… well, from my experiences. Dammit.

"Miura, if this is some elaborate plan to make fun of me, I'll have you know that it's not going to work. Being made fun of is my speciality. I have more stories than I can count of classmates trying to humiliate me in middle school. And most of them succeeded. Not to mention how I've been on the receiving end of you shaming me for breathing the same air as you throughout the past week. Believe me, I've been through it all. I'm a serial humiliatee. And I can now say with confidence that Hikigaya Hachiman does not get made fun of so easily."

It was true. When I was walking home one day in middle school, having just been made fun of by my classmates again, I swore to never be a loser anymore. I made a promise to myself to, one day, be the one everyone looked up to instead. The one everyone respected. There was going to be no more mister nice Hachiman. No more letting people walk all over me whenever they wanted.

And, well…

Today I was called over to do the bidding of my biggest enemy in school because she was otherwise threatening to ruin whatever little social standing I had left. So that's how well that turned out.

"Hikio, I…"

"Can we get on with it already? I don't want to stand out here any longer. If I see another couple walk past us holding hands, I might get the urge to file a complaint against them for public indecency. The public indecency in this case being how they lacked the decency to consider the feelings of the loners around them having to watch a couple happily walk around in public like that. And if that doesn't work, I think I might just crawl into a hole and die."

"...R-Right. Yeah. We should, um, get on with it, and stuff. You're… you're going to help me buy something for Hayato today, okay? You're going to help me pick something he likes. Something that'll make him fall in love with me. Something like that. If you get it, then stop wasting time and follow me. And keep up!"

And with that, she was off. She didn't even leave me any time to respond, as usual. So I followed her. She explained to me as we walked that today her plan was to visit as many stores as possible to find Hayama the perfect gift. I was there to help her because it was apparently too embarrassing for her to ask anyone else, and also because I was a guy, and that meant I was supposed to know what kind of presents other guys liked.

But that was her biggest mistake. Little did she know I had no idea what kind of presents other guys liked because I never had any guy friends to begin with. So I'd already found a huge flaw in her plan. I really wanted to rub it in her face. How does it feel, Miura? I hope it makes you feel bad, because I sure felt terrible having just remembered this fact.

We walked around for a while before she took me into a women's clothing store. Having never had a girlfriend, or even any female friends to speak of, I'd found myself realising I'd never seen the inside of one of these stores before. There were a number of mannequins here and there that seemed to sport the latest trendy fashion getups, tables and tables with shirts of all different colors and sizes, and walls that were lined with dresses and jackets and skirts that were somehow still longer than the ones Miura wore at school. It was different. And refreshing, in a way. I would almost think it didn't seem that bad being in there if every woman we passed by wasn't glaring at me as if I were some kind of convicted sex offender.

I was curious what Miura had in mind for Hayama in a store like this. Or if he was really some kind of closet crossdresser. But when I thought about it, Hayama was the type to look good in practically anything, so maybe it wasn't that out of the ordinary that this was the first place Miura had chosen to pick her gift in mind. I mean, if Hayama could look good in anything, he probably wouldn't mind being given a dress as a present. And Miura certainly knew dresses very well. A women's clothing store in particular was probably chosen because it was what she was familiar with, and that familiarity was something she could use to select a gift she considered personally worthwhile. In other words, I had yet another reason to complain about Hayama's good looks and remind him why he should definitely go die in a fire.

Miura took me further in to a section of the store that seemed to be, well, entirely the same as the rest of the store. To me, it was just another wall with dresses on it. But not to Miura. Before I knew it she'd already picked out half a dozen different dresses that she proceeded to stack right on top of my head. She didn't even bother telling me to hold them or anything. She just layered each dress on top of me until she couldn't see my face anymore. Apparently, she'd called me all the way out here on one of my prized few days off just so I could be her portable clothes stand. I couldn't help but feel this was quite a significant development in our relationship that she'd just made possible, as it meant this time she'd somehow managed to insult me without having said a single word.

"Not this one… No, not this one either... Ew, no... Nuh-uh, no way… Jeez, who would wear _that_?... This one's a no…"

"...Miura?"

"Aaaaand… done! That should be enough for now. So, Hikio. What do you think? Do they look good? Because I _know _they look good."

"They're on my head and covering my eyes. I can't see anything, let alone if they look good or not."

"Oh, right. I guess that's a problem…"

I could feel the light coming back to me as Miura took the dresses off of my head and headed with them into the dressing rooms. She came out after a while wearing one of the dresses she'd picked out earlier. It was similar to the one she wore when she arrived here this morning, but was pink instead of white, and had a lining of little black frills around the skirt area just above her thighs where her dress ended. It reminded me of the ones a parent would give to their five-year-old daughter to wear because they thought it would make their daughter look cuter. Only the girl in this case was much older than a five-year-old, was one of the most attractive girls at our high school, and had much more on her mind than just looking 'cute'. As a budding seventeen-year-old male, this dress was definitely going places.

"Well, Hikio?"

"Well… what?"

"What do you mean, 'Well, what'? I'm asking you what you think of the dress, obviously."

"I think it looks terrible. Just like everything else you wear."

"So it looks great! I totally knew I could count on you."

"That's not what I said."

"Maybe not. But it's what you meant."

"What are you, some kind of mind reader?!"

"Ha! I knew it! You're so predictable, you know. You're just like every other teenage boy out there. Of course you'd like this dress. Because you like _me_."

"I think you should be careful. If you get any more full of yourself than you are now you might just explode."

"I'll keep that in mind. Especially when I've got a date with someone I like, and _you _don't."

"And especially when you're deluding yourself into thinking he'll ever actually like you. Now can you tell me why, exactly, we're in this store? Are you buying these dresses for Hayama? Does he secretly crossdress in his free time?"

"Him? Of course not. I'm buying it for the date we'll have when I give him the perfect gift and he falls in love with me. I have to make sure I look my best on the special day, you know."

"You could start by making that special day of yours actually happen, for one thing."

"Look, that's in the future, okay? Making someone fall in love with you takes time and effort. It's not something you can just, like, do whenever you want, you know? I'm going to make Hayato like me more and more, day-by-day, step-by-step, until he's finally reached a point where he thinks he's been head-over-heels for me all this time. That's what you need to do to win someone over and have them be yours. You have to wait. And what we're doing now? We're waiting. I mean, not that _you'd _ever know about any of this."

"Oh...? Then you're just a fool, Miura."

"Huh? What'd you just say?"

"Love is for idiots. If all you want is for Hayama to be your boyfriend, then I know a variety of easier ways to achieve that. For example, you could bring up how he's been spending a lot of time with other people lately, and how it's really damaging your friendship when he does so. How he's a bad friend. How he's terrible and inconsiderate and only thinks about himself. Make him think he's the one responsible for this happening. And then you tell him the only way things can go back to the way they used to be before is if he stops spending time with them and commits to you by being your boyfriend. Problem solved. Don't make any exceptions, don't give him any leeway. Only give him an ultimatum. It's you or them, nothing else. If he cares about your friendship, he'll accept. And if he doesn't? That's not my problem. It's a perfect scenario. Well, perfect for me at least. Teehee."

"Hikio, you…"

"Yes?"

"You're really weird, you know that?"

"I'll have you know I'm only telling you how to get what you asked for."

"Look, I'm not… I'm not here to manipulate my best friend like that, okay? That's just not right. I don't want him to be my boyfriend because I'm tricking him or something. I want him to be my boyfriend because he wants to be."

"Suit yourself. I don't particularly care."

"Yeah, sure, whatever. I'm tired of talking about this. And I think it's time we left, so just wait here while I get changed. This dress is the best one they have, anyway."

Miura proceeded to change back into her original outfit then went to the front counter to pay for her new dress. Then we stepped outside and she handed me the dress for me to carry because my new role as a portable clothes stand was going to last for the entire day, apparently. After that she dragged me into a few other stores that seemed to be just as unhelpful on her mission of finding Hayama his perfect gift. First she tried the florist, but soon figured flowers might be something too unusual for a girl to give to a guy. Then she tried the sports store, then she realised she knew nothing about sports, then she realised I knew nothing about sports, and then she finally came to the conclusion that something like a soccer ball didn't quite seem like the kind of gift you'd give to someone to win their undying affection. Finally she took me to visit a lingerie store, at which point I figured she'd gone completely insane. But it turns out she wasn't buying them so she could give them to Hayama. She'd apparently come up with a new kind of strategy where she was going to win him over with her sex appeal, and buying a brand new set of racy undergarments for herself was part of her plan to do that. At which point I explained how Hayama wasn't going to see the sex appeal of her new undergarments because her clothes were obviously going to hide her undergarments anyway. Even I was impressed by Miura's lack of brain power on this one.

So in short, we were right back where we started. It wasn't very surprising considering Miura's plan seemed to consist of picking stores at random until she found something she thought was appropriate. The problem was that nothing she looked at ever seemed to be 'appropriate'. It was almost as if she wasn't even sure of what she was looking for herself, which was strange considering Miura and Hayama seemed to be relatively close, and there was no reason to believe Miura wouldn't know at least _something _about the one friend she was always together with at school and has secretly liked the whole time.

But not that I cared. I was a professional loner, and professional loners didn't concern themselves with thinking about our friends because we, well, didn't have any friends in the first place. On the plus side, that meant I didn't care if Miura's plan to win Hayama over crashed and burned and ruined their friendship forever, because for me to care about something like that required me to think it was necessary to have friends at all. That also meant I'd finally found a use for my serial lonerdom, which put the tally for positives of being totally friendless at a newfound… one. Way to go, me.

* * *

After a while we found ourselves sitting in a cafe to take a break. It was surprisingly empty. We settled on a table near the left corner and set our things down before taking our seats. It was one of those elaborately decorated places that looked like they were trying to recreate the glory of 18th century England within a small, two-caravan-sized coffee shop in the middle of a mall. There was a large chandelier hanging from the ceiling that lit up the walls adorned with paintings of what I presumed to be famous persons from English history, and each of the chairs and tables seemed to match a similarly ornate design. Even the menu was in English, so I had no idea what I was ordering when it finally came time to order my drink. It was very reminiscent of where I'd imagine dukes and princes and other high society aristocrats would've had their lunch in 18th century England. It was so reminiscent that when the waiter came and asked for our orders I even started speaking in English, saying things like 'Hello!' and 'Good tea!' when I was choosing what tea to order and 'Oh shit!' when I saw the tea was ludicrously overpriced.

By now it was well into the afternoon, and I was really beginning to wonder if this nightmare would never end. I figured I only had to endure whatever Miura still wanted to belittle me with for the remainder of the day and then I could finally go home and resume the very important thought exercise I was doing this morning. Or at least, that's what I was hoping for. But then she looked at me and paused, as if she was thinking about something. She was even still thinking by the time the waiter had already brought over our tea. She remained like that for a while, looking like she might've actually been deep in thought, which impressed me considering I didn't think she had the mental ability to concentrate for this long. Even her expression was different. Strangely enough, the look on her face wasn't the usual anger or disgust she usually gave me whenever she was, well, looking in my general direction. Or even when she wasn't looking in my general direction, and I was just in the vicinity. Or even when I wasn't in the vicinity, and I just happened to be on the same planet.

But this was different. Whatever she was feeling about me before, this was… not that. It was troubled. Uneasy. Uncomfortable about something I couldn't possibly imagine. Especially considering this was Miura we were talking about. It was the kind of look someone gives you when they want to tell you something but they can't, or don't know how to. I was honestly starting to get a little worried.

"Hey, Hikio."

"What?"

"What does Hayato like?"

..._Huh?_

"What... does he like? Why the hell are you asking me? How am I supposed to know?"

"I don't know. I just… thought I'd ask. In case you did."

"Perhaps you need me to clarify something, Miura. I don't know if you're aware of this, but Hayama is not my friend. He's your friend. That's you. And you're the one here buying this stupid present for him. Not me. In fact, just saying that shows that, if anything, _you _should know way more about him than I do."

It also made me wonder why she even needed me here at all. If she was here to buy a gift for her friend, who she knows way better than I do, then why bother calling me out here to help her when I've only spoken to him maybe a handful of times?

"I… I guess you're right."

"And another thing. I may be a loner, but I'm a proud loner, and proud loners like me don't even like having friends in the first place. They're a nuisance. So don't give me that look like you're pitying an abandoned dog on the sidewalk when that's absolutely not who I am. If anything, you should think of me as more of a lone wolf instead—as someone who's been excluded from his pack and left to face dangerous winters alone. And obviously, I'm all the stronger for it. You should see how I keep getting the best cafeteria lunches. When you don't have friends, you don't get held up by talking about where you're going to eat or who should order what from the cafeteria for lunch that day. When lunch starts I just head straight there and grab the best items from the menu before anyone else. I have a one hundred percent accuracy rate doing this. The cafeteria ladies even call me 'Hikigaya the Flash' as I'm always the first one there. Pretty cool, huh? Too bad I don't have any friends to tell it t—... wait, what? What did you just say?"

"I said… you're right. You're right, Hikio. He's my friend. And that means I should know enough about him to get him a present myself."

"So does that mean I can go home now?"

"Wait! Just… hear me out, okay? Please? It's… important. I swear I'm going somewhere with this."

"Whatever. Then hurry up. I can't leave here without your approval, anyway."

"Look, the truth is… I... don't know anything about him. I don't know anything about Hayato. He's my best friend, and I'm in love with him, but I don't know who he is as a person. It's like whenever I ask, he always avoids the question, or tries to change the subject. I don't even know what his hobbies are. Or what kind of music he likes. Or if he even likes music at all. I don't know if he thinks homemade chocolates are better, or if he's fine with the ones you just buy at the store. I don't know if he thinks flowers are romantic, or if he just finds them an inconvenience to have to keep watering everyday. I don't even know if he likes sports. I mean, he obviously likes soccer, but _everyone_ knows that. He just never tells me anything! Like, I know he's always saying nice things about me, and he's always telling me he likes the things I give him from time to time—but that can't be true, can it? There's no way he likes all the stuff I give him. _I _don't even like all the stuff I give him. Remember those cookies the other day? The ones I got you to give to him after school? I tried to eat one of the leftovers this morning and it tasted like the charcoal you use to start a fire. There's _no way _he liked those. Absolutely no way. But I… I don't know why he would lie to me, you know? I don't know why he can't just be honest with me about it. There's so much I don't know about him, and it's so frustrating, but worst of all is, after so long, how I… how I still don't…"

"Yes?"

"How I still don't know what he thinks about me."

"..."

"S-Say something, Hikio! Don't just ignore me after I tell you something like that!"

"...And?"

"Huh?"

"And why are you telling me all this?"

"Why? Well…"

"Well?"

"I… don't know. I think I just wanted to tell someone. And you're here for me to tell it to."

"Listen, Miura. Maybe there's one more thing I should make clear. I don't care about Hayama. I don't even care about you. I'm a loner. And what do loners care about? Being alone. Self-preservation. Fending for themselves. But as a non-loner, do you know how lucky you are? How much of a non-problem it is to even be in a position to think about this? For someone like me, who's never had any friends, I've never known what it's like to think about giving someone anything, or how it feels for someone to give something to me. If you're going to be so upset about it, then you might as well not give him anything at all. He'll still be your friend either way. And, really, who the hell thinks just getting someone the right gift is enough to make them fall in love with you? This isn't some fairytale, you know. That doesn't happen in real life. That doesn't happen anywhere."

"But that's… but I…"

An awkward silence ensued between us. I didn't have anything to add, and it seemed Miura was still trying to process the reality of what I'd just said. I took this opportunity to take a sip of the tea in front of me. The color was a light honey-orange, and tasted like some kind of delicate English blend, like an Earl Grey maybe. It was also twenty dollars. I made a mental note at that moment about how, if I ever ended up having friends to go outside with, I was never coming back to this place again.

We stayed like that for some time, me taking a sip from my cup every now and then, Miura still seemingly in deep thought. And then after a while she looked at me, as if she'd finally come to a resolution on something. But what I clearly didn't expect was what she was going to ask me next.

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Yes?"

"Why... do you like me?"

"PFFFFFFFFFT—"

Her question was so blunt it made me spit out my drink. I wasn't even sure if she was serious, or if this was another one of her arbitrary tests where she gets to decide how much more she hates me or not. Of all the things I was imagining she was thinking about, this was certainly not something I'd had in mind.

"Miura... why, exactly, are you asking me this?"

"Just because."

"Just because?"

"Yeah. To be honest, that's… kind of the other reason I asked you here today. Because I wanted to know the answer. I wanted to know what you liked me for."

"..."

"I mean, well, I figured… I figured, if you liked me for some reason, then maybe Hayato would like me for that too, you know? And then I could—I could focus more on that instead, or something, and then I wouldn't have to think about all this other stuff, like what kind of gift he'd like, or what kind of hobbies he's into. I figured it might be helpful. So just… tell me, please. I just want to know."

"..._Heh-heh-heh-heh_."

"By the way, you really need to stop doing that laugh of yours. It's seriously creepy, you know."

"I get why you asked me. You want to know what your most attractive qualities are so you can get Hayama to like you for them for the same reasons I apparently like you for. But sad to say, you don't have any. And I don't even like you. I just like pretty girls. And you happen to be one of the prettiest. I don't care about you, or your relationship with Hayama, or even what you think about me. I just care that you have a pretty face. Because, frankly, everything else about you is utterly repulsive. You're selfish. You're sadistic. You're shallow and self-centered unlike anyone else I've ever seen. And to be honest with you, I don't think you'd have any chance with Hayama even if you were the last girl on earth. And you say you're trying to make him fall completely in love? What a joke. So even if nothing else comes out of today, I hope we at least become clear on one thing. I despise you, Miura. I truly, utterly, absolutely despise you. And I hope you never forget it."

"..."

She was blackmailing me, but I didn't care. If there was one rule I lived by, it was that people I hated had to know why I hated them, regardless of the consequences. This was a very fulfilling philosophy to have. It meant I always had the peace of mind of knowing that the people I hated knew they were my enemies, and there was no room between us for reconciliation. It meant I had the satisfaction of being able to insult these people freely and without remorse whenever I wanted, however I wanted. It also meant I got beat up a lot, and that I now had to be afraid Miura was going to do the same. But that was just the price of doing business, so to speak.

Surprisingly, the first thing Miura did wasn't that, or even give me any kind of threat at all. She held her hand to her mouth and looked away, making a strange chirping noise that sounded like a dolphin trapped under a pile of rocks. It was almost as if she was… laughing.

"You… you're so... oh my god… hahahaha!"

"I don't get it."

"Hikio, you… you're a really unique guy, you know that?"

"I… what? Huh?"

"Don't worry. It's getting late, so maybe I'll tell you some other time. But… thanks for being honest, is what I'm trying to say. And thanks for making me laugh. That made me feel a lot better."

"I wasn't trying to make you feel better."

"But, you did. I almost wish you didn't, but you did. So you're going to appreciate that, whether you like it or not. Understand?"

"Fine. Whatever. Are we done now?"

"We're done. You can go home now. I didn't have anything left for you to do anyway. I just wanted you to hear me out for a bit."

* * *

We then left the cafe and walked to Miura's taxi station as I was apparently still somehow responsible for carrying her bags even right when we were about to leave. We didn't say anything as we walked there, which I guess meant that she was seemingly content on letting this be the second major quiet moment of the day. I was relieved. Today's nightmare was almost over, which meant I was soon to be free from Miura's schedule for at least the rest of the weekend. In the end, she didn't end up buying anything for Hayama, saying that she was going to come back when she had a better idea of who he was as a person. How she was going to accomplish this remained to be seen, but he wasn't my friend and it wasn't my romance I was pursuing with him, so I could safely say it wasn't particularly high on my list of things I could be bothered to care about.

We soon arrived and found a cab waiting at the station already. At that moment I couldn't help but wonder a little about what Miura was thinking. What was she going to do now? I had no idea. And I didn't care. My goal wasn't to be her friend, or even help her with whatever stupid issues she had. My goal was to never have to deal with her again. If that meant I had to keep doing her bidding for now, then so be it. We were at war. And in war, you do anything to survive. I may have been alone in my battle against the Fire Queen of Sobu High, but I was a loner, and loners always persevere in places where those who rely on others fail. For the sake of loners everywhere, I was going to prove my mettle, or I was going to die trying.

Okay, it wasn't really like that. But even then, looking at her now, she was still the same sadistic, selfish, immature high school girl from my classroom that I couldn't stand. That hadn't changed. And I had no doubts she similarly detested me in much the same way. And yet…

"Hey, Hikio."

"What is it now? Weren't you about to leave?"

"Next time, how about we try out some makeup on you at the cosmetics store? Pretty up your face a bit. For Hayato's sake, of course."

"'Next time'...? You mean you're forcing me to come with you again?"

"Obviously! I didn't end up getting him anything today, so I still need to come back and get him a proper gift, you know. And you're coming too, because you're the only one I can ask to help me."

"I fail to see how 'prettying up my face' is part of your plan to win Hayama over."

"Okay, fine, it's not. But then in that case, how about we go somewhere _you _like? You know, to see what kind of things guys are into."

"Somewhere I… like…?"

"Yeah. Somewhere you like. It can be anywhere, so long as you like it. And make sure it's not anywhere perverted, or I'll kill you."

I finished setting her bags in the trunk of the taxi, but it seemed Miura wasn't intending on letting this line of questioning go. She walked up to me and looked me in the eye, almost as if she were actually eager to hear what I had to say.

"So? What do you think?"

"I don't think I have much of a choice."

"Perfect! I'll arrange something later, so you'd better not forget, okay? That's a promise."

"You're forcing me to go. I don't owe you any promises."

"Fine. Then that's an order. And if you disobey me, I'm going to punish you by making you come with me again. Understand?"

"Yes, yes, I understand. Just stop standing so close to me. You're weirding me out."

She smiled, content that I was aware of the full repercussions of disobeying her again, and made her way to the backseat of the taxi that was waiting for her. Once she was inside, she looked at me, and smiled again, which seemed to me like an uncanny contortion of a face that only appeared to be capable of anger and disgust.

But her smile… didn't look too bad on her, I guess.

"...Thanks for coming, Hikio. And thanks for listening to me. You're not that bad sometimes, you know that?"

"And you're just as bad all the time, Miura."

She laughed again, closed her door, and rode off. I started on my own way home, relieved that I was finally at the end of today's long nightmare. But it wouldn't be the end of Miura just yet.

* * *

**Author's Note**

Thank you for reading. It's been quite some time since the release of the previous chapter, mostly because I found myself busy with other things to do. But most of those things are done now, so… here's chapter 3! I listened to your feedback, and you were right. Hikigaya didn't sound like what he probably should sound like, and Miura came off too much as a sadistic dominatrix. So I changed it. I wanted to keep some elements similar for the purposes of how I'm planning to develop the story later on (there's a point to this story, I promise!), but knew I could definitely change some things about their characters and Hikigaya's narration to maybe be more in tune with what you'd expect from the show. Anyway, thank you very much again for reading, and feel free to let me know what you think of the changes. I greatly appreciate your feedback, regardless if you liked it or not!

Edit: I also added in some line breaks to hopefully make it easier to read. This chapter is exceptionally long by my standards, and not something I'll be regularly trying to do in the future. It only ended up so long because I wanted to make sure I established how Hikigaya definitely hates Miura and how Miura is at least starting to see Hikigaya in a different light by the end of this chapter, as well as giving them time to talk and establish some kind of pseudo-chemistry at this moment in the story. I was also trying to experiment with how I can come up with more jokes in Hikigaya's narration of events. Unfortunately, I think got carried away and experimented too much. Rest assured future chapters will be shorter, more focused, and definitely more to the point.


End file.
